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There’s always something we’re supposed to be doing. But we have only so much energy and attention to spare before our brain starts demanding a break.
Every now and then, we just have to switch off to preserve our sanity.
So we at Bored Panda decided to put together a list that might come in handy should you find yourself in need of a quick distraction.
We went through the subreddits r/jokes and r/3amjokes and compiled some of the funniest posts about everything and nothing in particular at the same time. Hope it makes your day feel a little less crazy!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."
Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10
He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."
Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:
'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."
RELATED:
#2
[The president] tests positive for COVID-19.
He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
#3
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
Thank god I live in Canada
#4
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
#5
Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.
I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you messed it up.
#6
COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously.
A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
#7
My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
#9
If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
#10
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
#11
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
#12
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...
...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
#14
I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
#15
"What's your name, boy?" Cop asked the young man.
"P-p-p-pet-pet-Peter, Sir" He replied.
"Do you have a stutter?" Asked the Cop kindly.
He answered "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out my Birth Certificate was a jerk."
#16
A time traveller goes back to ancient Rome and immediately starts looking for local clothing.
He finds a tailor's shop and says "Hey, could I have a toga please?"
"Sure, what size?" says the shopkeeper.
"I don't know. Let's try an L."
The shopkeeper hands him a toga, the time traveller tries it on, then he says "It's a bit tight. Could I try an XL, please?"
And the shopkeeper says "What's the point of asking for a smaller one?"
#17
Is your refrigerator running?
If so, I may vote for it.
#18
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order.
And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.
#19
What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?
College
#20
What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?
One does not simply walk into Mordor
#21
My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
#22
Old courtroom transcript reads like a joke. This actually happened...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
#23
Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times.
Just like yo mamma
#24
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
#25
Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.
After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"
Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."
For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."
#26
My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke.
A Holocaust survivor passed recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
#27
Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:
1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate
#28
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
#29
Having homosexual parents must be terrible.
Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”
Elladine DesIsles 8 minutes ago
Queer, single mom here. I answer all of the questions, and I tell all of the dad jokes. Someone's got to do it.
#30
4 beer company CEOs walked into a bar…
The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.
The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
#31
A kid is playing a video game in his room when his mom walks in and says, "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
Without taking his eyes off the screen the kid says, "I'm right in the middle of this game; tell him to come in here!"
A minute later her boyfriend walks in and says, "Hey, Champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like 'Champ', huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid bolts upright, turns and says, "BlueDragon72? I haven't used that name since I played Call of Duty when I was ten."
And the boyfriend says, "That's right, dude. I told you I was gonna bang your mom."
#32
A sheepdog returns to his farmer and says, "All right, I've got your 70 sheep back in the east pen."
The farmer replies, "What!? I have 67 sheep, not 70!"
The sheepdog gives him a withering look and says, "I know. I rounded them up."
#33
Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?
Midlife crisis
#35
If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11.
Instead it would be IX / XI
#36
Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”
Because they’re so good at it!
GenericElder 1 hour ago
I'm so old I remember when there were hundreds of "Elephant Jokes" making the rounds (long before the internet!)
#37
Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once.
Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime
#38
Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
#39
I told my gf that I had a crush on Beyoncé!
And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"
And I said "No that's Buoyancy"
#40
A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!"
The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, he only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell"
The wife replies: "That's strange.. he told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
#41
Timmy is in second grade studying subtraction when the teacher asks, “Timmy, if I have 5 cats and give you 2, how many cats do you have?”
Timmy, “3.”
Teacher, “no Timmy, if I have 5 cats and give you 2, I have 3 left. 5 minus 2 is 3. What if I have 5 cats and give you 3, how many cats do you have?”
Timmy, “4.”
Teacher, “no Timmy, that’s not right. What of I have 5 cats and give you 5 cats, how many cats do you have?”
Timmy, “6.”
Teacher, “that’s not correct, I only gave you 5 cats.”
Timmy, “yes it is, I already have a cat.”
#42
A female-to-male trans person goes to the doctor
He says "Doc, I don't think these hormones you're giving me are working."
"Why do you say that?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I'm here, aren't I? Shouldn't I be at home toughing it out by now?"
#43
A guy finds an old lamp and rubs it. Of course a genie appears and grants the guy three wishes.
The guy says, "I'm going through a divorce and every lawyer involved is a psychopathic thief. I want all lawyers on the face of the earth to be wiped out."
The genie says, "That's awfully extreme. Are you sure?"
The guy says, "Absolutely. They are all crooked liars, and the world will be better off without them."
The genie snaps his fingers, and says, "Okay, it's done. There are no more lawyers. And that's your last wish."
The guy says, "Wait. You told me I have three wishes."
And the genie says, "So sue me."
David Paterson 1 hour ago
That's a win-win-win situation. The man wins, the genie wins, and everyone who's ever been sued wins.
#44
Did you know a vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it.
Otherwise she will keep getting pregnant.
#45
The 2016 US Presidential Election
That's it. That's the entire joke.
David Paterson 1 hour ago
That's not nearly as good a joke as the 2024 US Presidential Election.
#46
Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?
A Flossiraptor
#48
My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?
Post office
#49
Why do the election results take so long?
It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
#50
I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son." I grumbled, "Don't call me son. You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.
I didn't say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, "I'm sorry."
"Because you thought you were my dad?" I asked him.
He shook his head. "No, son, because I let you down."
#51
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
David Paterson 1 hour ago
The original is better "I've heard nothing but complaints from you since you got here".
#52
Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat
Attendant says, "wth - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."
"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."
Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."
"That's a great idea!" says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.
"What are you doing - I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.
"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"
#53
A woman gets on a bus and the bus driver exclaims “that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
Angry as she’s ever been, she storms to the back of the bus and sits next to a man who is reading the newspaper.
He noticed the woman was visibly upset and asks her what’s wrong.
She says, “That bus driver just insulted me and my family!”
So the man says, “Well that’s just terrible! You go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go ahead! I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
#54
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and a Prada purse.
The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
She tells the doctor, "I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind ... but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
#55
A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband her illicit affair is over. He'd already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her...
In a last ditch attempt to convince him, she cut her ex-lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought this would ease her husband’s mind once and for all.
“You see.” she told him. “He was struck by a drunk driver.”
Her husband smiled and replied, “I wasn’t drunk.”
#56
The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss the matter.
Dad: "This is unacceptable, I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone."
Mom: "Me too, I use my company phone. I hardly use the home phone."
Son: "I use my office mobile. I never use the home phone."
All of them shocked turned to look at the maid who was patiently listening to them all this time.
Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones, what is the big deal?"
#57
A guy goes in for a physical; the doctor asks about his activity level. "What do you mean?" asks the guy.
The doctor says, "Well, for example, what did you do yesterday?"
The guy says, "Yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I jumped three feet in the air when I almost stepped on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills, and hacked my way through some tall grass. After that I was so exhausted and dehydrated, I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor says, "Sounds like you are one hell of an outdoorsman!"
And the guy says, "Actually, I'm just a really bad golfer."
#58
A man at a funeral interrupts the priest and says, "Excuse me, do you have the WiFi password?"
The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man, have some decency. This is your mother's funeral!"
And the man says, "Is that all lower case?"
#59
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
#60
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."
Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
#63
Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”
Me: “Guess”
Waiter: “Medium rare?”
Me: “Well done”
Waiter: “Uhhh..”
#64
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
olivejuicedrinker (she/her) 55 minutes ago
i learned roman numerals through enchanted books in minecraft
#65
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself,
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
#67
Piano is one of the hardest instruments to pick up.
#68
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
#70
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is attacked.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
#71
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
#72
Teacher: “If you have one dollar and you ask your dad for another dollar, how many dollars do you have?”
Billy: One dollar.
Teacher: I'm sorry, Billy, it seems you don't know your math.
Billy: I'm sorry, Miss, it seems you don't know my dad.
GenericElder 1 hour ago
ah, a newer take on the "know all the facts" theme . . . (the 5 cats one was #46 when I posted this)
#73
My wife gave me an envelope with, “Not to be opened until 2027” on it.
Inside was list of reasons why I cannot be trusted to follow simple instructions.
#74
My wife said if I don't get off Reddit right now she's going to come over and smash my face into the keyboard.
I laughed and said "I'd like to se.;,lm;, l,; ;,lmadsc;l,xc k, sca,;lasxc.;,c #'.;cxvc, lmxz;,lm x/.;x zc ,kxmk;lnlp,zx ;,.x.c,
#75
A little girl asks her father, "Daddy, why don't I have a little sister?"
Trying to be funny, her father says, "You do have a little sister."
"I do?" asks the little girl.
"Sure you do," her father says. "But, every time you walk in the front door, she is walking out the back door."
"Oh, I see!" says the little girl. "You mean she's just like my other daddy."
#76
I told my boss I needed a raise because three companies were after me
He asked which companies. I said, Gas, electric, and water.
He didn’t laugh.
I didn’t get the raise.
But the next day, he came in with a huge grin and said, I told my wife that joke. She said you deserve a raise for creativity.
Still waiting for both.
#77
A businessman arrives at a hotel and asks the bellhop, "What's the biggest tip you've gotten, son?"
"$5, sir," the bellhop replied.
The man gives the bellhop $10 and says, "Next time you get asked that, you tell them it was $10 and that I gave it to you."
"Thanks!" the bellhop replies.
"Who gave you the $5?" the man asks.
"You did last month," the bellhop replies.
#78
A man received the following text from his neighbor.
“I am so sorry, Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I’ve been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I don’t get it at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.”
Bob, in complete shock, didn’t know what to do...
A few moments later, a second text came in: “Spell check! I meant Wi-Fi!”
#79
The grocery store boy asked me, “paper or plastic”. I told him I didn’t care and told him to choose for me. He said he couldn’t do that…
Baggers can’t be choosers.
#80
I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"
#81
Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life.
#82
Chuck Norris passed and went to heaven.
Walked up to the pearly gates and saint Peter said, “Oh wow Mr Norris, the big guy wants to see you immediately.”
So he gets escorted into meet God and without missing a beat Chuck says, “before we get started, I just wanna let you know you’re sitting in my chair.”
#83
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...
There would be mass confusion.
#85
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, just before you go to bed....
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
#91
An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’
The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’
The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’
#92
A woman goes to buy a parrot and notices the prices are $100, $200, and $15. Curious, she asks why the last one is so cheap.
The shopkeeper replies, "That one used to live in a brothel." Amused, she decides to buy it for $15.
When she brings the parrot home, it immediately says, "Well, I'll be damned, a new brothel!" The woman can't help but laugh.
Later, when her daughters arrive home, the parrot chirps, "Well, look at that, two new ladies of the night!" The girls burst into laughter too.
But when the dad walks in, the parrot exclaims, "Well, I'll be damned, Pete! Long time no see!"
#93
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
#94
A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left."
All the men in the church moved to left, except one man.
The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked, "How come your wife can't control you?"
The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move."
#95
Teacher asks her class "What expands ten times it's size when excited?"
Little Suzie jumps up from her chair and shouts "That's dirty miss. I'm going to tell my father."
At this the teacher looks at little Suzie and says, the answer is the pupil of the eye and I know three things about you Suzie.
One, you never read the homework I gave the class yesterday.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
Three, you are going to be very, very disappointed when you grow up.
#96
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
#97
Dave pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?” Dave beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."
"She was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
#98
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to the bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.
What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is this bar?”
#99
A guy starts calling his wife “mother of six” instead of by her first name.
At first the wife is amused, but after a few years of being called the name, she’s pretty sick of it.
One night, the guy and his wife are at a club. The guy yells to his wife, “Let’s hit the road, mother of six!”
His wife shouts back at him, “Be right there, father of four!”
#100
My wife completely fed up and disgusted with me packed my bags and told me to get out. As I was walking out she said, "I hope you pass slowly and painfully."
I put my bags down, and asked, "So, you want me to stay?"
#101
Joe goes to a fortune teller and she tells him he'll have unspeakable grief in 12 years.
He was feeling pretty down when he left, so he got a puppy to cheer himself up.
#102
A Scotsman and his wife are walking past an expensive new restaurant.
"Mmm.., do you smell that food?" she asks, "it smells absolutely delicious.."
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thinks, 'Oh what the hell.., I will treat her'.
He takes her arm and they walk past it again.
#103
A married woman is caught shoplifting a bag of apples.
In court the judge says "I don't usually do this but to set an example, I'm sentencing you to spend a day in jail, one for each apple. That's a week in total."
Her husband raises his hand, "Your honor, I have to confess, she also stole a bag of rice the day before."
#104
A woman asked an army general when he'd last made love
The general thought for a moment and said, "1956."
She gasped. "That long? Come with me — I'll make your night better."
They went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.
Afterwards she cuddled up to him and said, "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956."
The general looked at her, confused, and said, "I sure hope not, it's only 21:30."
#105
Old age is a thing.. Last night I was in bed for 20 min when I heard the pizza guy cough.
Then I remembered I came to my room for my wallet.
#106
A bartender brings a guy a drink and says, "Hey buddy, you look a little down. What's wrong?"
The guy says, "Well, when my wife left, I felt a little sad in the beginning. Then I got a dog, bought a Harley, and asked out the pretty neighbor next door. Things were definitely looking better."
"Sounds pretty great," says the bartender.
And the guy says, "Yeah... but now I'm thinking about what's gonna happen when my wife comes home from work."
#107
A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, "I always thought it was three wishes."
The genie says, "Check your pants."
The guy looks down and says, "Woah, it's huge!"
And the genie says, "I've been doing this for a long time."
#108
If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican.
We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators
#109
When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag.
Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
#110
For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
#111
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
#112
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.
#113
A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is epic."
#114
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.
#116
My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son will go that far.”
I said, “I know. The trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
#117
A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"
The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then said, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I met with your wife. We talked for three hours."
The man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"You want my advice?"
Again, the man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.
#118
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
#119
A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the mailman."
"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?"
"That's right," says the first guy.
"Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to [sleep with] that?"
#121
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
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