I’ve seen a lot of posts about their parents arranged marriage in this thread. Those stories are 20 or so years old. Let me tell you my story. I got married 6 months back. Some might find it more relatable. This is not a happy or sad story - its just an average true story.
Not a throwaway account, because - well why ??!
I’m from an urban upper middle class family. I’ve completed my post graduation from one of the better colleges in the country and had taken up a job for a year or two when my mom asked if I had any potential guys that I would like to get married. I said no and she said she would start looking. I was 24 then. After being introduced to 7-8 odd guys who kept on rejecting me for some or the other reason, I was tired of the arranged marriage process , where in men wanted a goddess. I had every right to say no to any guy, for what ever reason. Nothing forced – WHAT SO EVER. My parents would try and convince me otherwise so, saying that compromises are required in this process, how ever the final decision was up to me. Let me give you an example, there was this guy who wanted to go ahead but I didn’t like his attitude towards life, he was narrow minded and shallow. My mom convinced me saying that most men are like that. However – I put my foot down and said NO. I kind of manipulated the guy into saying no by telling him a few facts about me that I knew he would not appreciate. Eventually he said no too.
At 28 , I was introduced to a guy (who I eventually married) and liked him instantly over the outlook of his life, he was pretty chilled and had a nice outlook towards life, we spoke over text and calls and met a couple of times before we went ahead and said yes for getting married. We got formally engaged in the next 6 weeks and married in the next 3 months (I know it’s a short period but I myself preferred it that way), we spoke over the phone few times a week, and me a couple of times as well. We had no limitations over how many times we met , in fact both our parents encouraged it. We didn’t bond much during this process even though we were committed. I think it was the mental block that we were not formally in a relationship yet. We wanted to take it slow. But believe it or not , the minute we got married, we bonded like crazy, it was a like everything opened up in that one instant we were officially married. We went on a week long honeymoon which gave us time to get to know each other in a neutral relaxed atmosphere – no stress about families or work or LIFE. Once we were back, we started our work, where in he told me he was required to work from another city for “some” time, I told him to take me along. He refused saying it was not in their company norms. I accepted it. Its been 6 months now and he is still working from another city, he comes home over the weekends. I keep bringing this up and he keeps saying he is helpless and its just a question of another month or so. I still accept it. I have cried a few times over this issue in front of him, he just brushes it away saying “this is life”. This is the kind of compromise that you are expected to make. If I had the balls to demand going along with him, I would totally have done it. Whats point of being married to him but living with his parents? Oh to paint a picture, We live with his parents. We have a bed room to ourselves but in parents in law have their stuff in that room as well, so they walk in and walk out any time. They give us privacy only at nights where in the bedroom door remains locked. Its impolite to keep the bedroom door closed during the day. Just 5 months into our marriage my in laws casually started mentioning about expanding our family and when I was welcoming a “little one” , ya 5 months of living apart and they expected us to start a family!! Totally normal in an arranged marriage.
Coming back to us, we are still getting to know each other, we have a lot of differences and expectations. For example, I like to live a more comfortable life and believe in spending money on experiences/things and going out often. He believes in saving every penny. He believes in staying home and relaxing because “I over work during the week so now I was to chill at home after work”. I work too, but oh well. He spends his free time watch TV or playing video games, he has li’l interest in talking to me or getting to know me , and will do so only if he is in the mood. I had higher expectations on being closer. He says he is too tired to be intimate. He is not very open when it comes to sharing things like his past troubles or finances, but I guess its more of a personality trait. He is kind and patient and sweet, but there are many things that I don’t like about him. For me , I think I had higher expectations from my husband and for him , it was just a tick/check that he had to make in the form of life. Marriage is something that should be “Easy” according to me, but his outlook is , it takes too much effort so he will do the bare minimum that is required to stay married.
I have thoughts about being single again from time to time, but then I remind myself this is what I desperately yearned for – and now I have it , so why am I complaining? There is this stupid outlook that you have to "look happy" for the society, so a lot of people in arranged marriages will make sure they potray themselves as a the happiest couple of the planet, but what goes on in the inside is something only the two are aware of.
In short, its too soon to say whether its been a happy marriage or not. At the moment - I am happy as he is coming back tonight - YAY!!
TL;DR – Arranged marriages are more or less done as a natural progression and the next step in life once you get a job. Its very much a norm where I live in rural as well as urban areas. Its generally not forced. People walk into arranged marriages knowing they have to compromise on every aspect of life. And It takes an entire lifetime to get to know each other. Some end up happy and some end up sad. The ending cannot be linked to whether the marriage is an arranged one or not.
Not a throwaway account, because - well why ??!
I’m from an urban upper middle class family. I’ve completed my post graduation from one of the better colleges in the country and had taken up a job for a year or two when my mom asked if I had any potential guys that I would like to get married. I said no and she said she would start looking. I was 24 then. After being introduced to 7-8 odd guys who kept on rejecting me for some or the other reason, I was tired of the arranged marriage process , where in men wanted a goddess. I had every right to say no to any guy, for what ever reason. Nothing forced – WHAT SO EVER. My parents would try and convince me otherwise so, saying that compromises are required in this process, how ever the final decision was up to me. Let me give you an example, there was this guy who wanted to go ahead but I didn’t like his attitude towards life, he was narrow minded and shallow. My mom convinced me saying that most men are like that. However – I put my foot down and said NO. I kind of manipulated the guy into saying no by telling him a few facts about me that I knew he would not appreciate. Eventually he said no too.
At 28 , I was introduced to a guy (who I eventually married) and liked him instantly over the outlook of his life, he was pretty chilled and had a nice outlook towards life, we spoke over text and calls and met a couple of times before we went ahead and said yes for getting married. We got formally engaged in the next 6 weeks and married in the next 3 months (I know it’s a short period but I myself preferred it that way), we spoke over the phone few times a week, and me a couple of times as well. We had no limitations over how many times we met , in fact both our parents encouraged it. We didn’t bond much during this process even though we were committed. I think it was the mental block that we were not formally in a relationship yet. We wanted to take it slow. But believe it or not , the minute we got married, we bonded like crazy, it was a like everything opened up in that one instant we were officially married. We went on a week long honeymoon which gave us time to get to know each other in a neutral relaxed atmosphere – no stress about families or work or LIFE. Once we were back, we started our work, where in he told me he was required to work from another city for “some” time, I told him to take me along. He refused saying it was not in their company norms. I accepted it. Its been 6 months now and he is still working from another city, he comes home over the weekends. I keep bringing this up and he keeps saying he is helpless and its just a question of another month or so. I still accept it. I have cried a few times over this issue in front of him, he just brushes it away saying “this is life”. This is the kind of compromise that you are expected to make. If I had the balls to demand going along with him, I would totally have done it. Whats point of being married to him but living with his parents? Oh to paint a picture, We live with his parents. We have a bed room to ourselves but in parents in law have their stuff in that room as well, so they walk in and walk out any time. They give us privacy only at nights where in the bedroom door remains locked. Its impolite to keep the bedroom door closed during the day. Just 5 months into our marriage my in laws casually started mentioning about expanding our family and when I was welcoming a “little one” , ya 5 months of living apart and they expected us to start a family!! Totally normal in an arranged marriage.
Coming back to us, we are still getting to know each other, we have a lot of differences and expectations. For example, I like to live a more comfortable life and believe in spending money on experiences/things and going out often. He believes in saving every penny. He believes in staying home and relaxing because “I over work during the week so now I was to chill at home after work”. I work too, but oh well. He spends his free time watch TV or playing video games, he has li’l interest in talking to me or getting to know me , and will do so only if he is in the mood. I had higher expectations on being closer. He says he is too tired to be intimate. He is not very open when it comes to sharing things like his past troubles or finances, but I guess its more of a personality trait. He is kind and patient and sweet, but there are many things that I don’t like about him. For me , I think I had higher expectations from my husband and for him , it was just a tick/check that he had to make in the form of life. Marriage is something that should be “Easy” according to me, but his outlook is , it takes too much effort so he will do the bare minimum that is required to stay married.
I have thoughts about being single again from time to time, but then I remind myself this is what I desperately yearned for – and now I have it , so why am I complaining? There is this stupid outlook that you have to "look happy" for the society, so a lot of people in arranged marriages will make sure they potray themselves as a the happiest couple of the planet, but what goes on in the inside is something only the two are aware of.
In short, its too soon to say whether its been a happy marriage or not. At the moment - I am happy as he is coming back tonight - YAY!!
TL;DR – Arranged marriages are more or less done as a natural progression and the next step in life once you get a job. Its very much a norm where I live in rural as well as urban areas. Its generally not forced. People walk into arranged marriages knowing they have to compromise on every aspect of life. And It takes an entire lifetime to get to know each other. Some end up happy and some end up sad. The ending cannot be linked to whether the marriage is an arranged one or not.