School bullying can turn what should be some of the happiest years of childhood into memories you’d rather forget. And even when school is long behind you, it’s not always easy to simply let go of what happened, especially when those old wounds suddenly find their way back into your life.
One Redditor thought she had a pretty good relationship with her MIL. That is, until she found out who the woman was marrying: the father of her former school bully. Now she’s decided not to attend the wedding, while the family thinks she should stop holding onto the past. Read the full story below.
The woman found out her MIL was marrying the father of her childhood bully
Now, she’s refusing to attend the wedding
The effects of bullying can follow someone well into adulthood, which is why simply letting it all go can be much harder than it sounds
When we go to school, the idea is that we’re there to learn and make friends, hopefully coming away with plenty of good memories along the way. If only it were always that simple. Kids can be cruel, and for some students, school becomes a place they dread rather than somewhere they feel comfortable.
Bullying is sadly pretty common. In the US, roughly one in five students say they’ve been bullied, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. And it’s hardly just an American problem. One study published in EClinicalMedicine looked at teenagers across 83 countries and found that about 30% had experienced bullying.
Once everyone grows up, though, there can be a lot of pressure to leave all of that behind. We were kids, people did stupid things, and years have passed. Surely everyone should be able to move on by then, right?
That’s exactly what the woman in this story was told. Her mother-in-law described bullying as “part of life,” while her future husband kept defending his daughter’s behavior and acting like the woman was making too much of something that happened years ago. They wanted her to leave it in the past and attend the wedding.
Research suggests that can be much easier said than done. As The Conversation explains, the mental effects of bullying can follow people well into adulthood. Around 20% of those who have been bullied experience some kind of mental health problem later in life, with effects sometimes still showing up around age 50.
Those effects can look different from person to person. Research has linked bullying with higher levels of anxiety and social anxiety, which can continue into adulthood. Depression has been associated with it too. Some people also struggle with anger or low self-esteem without immediately connecting those feelings to what happened at school.
For others, memories of bullying can be especially intense. The Conversation notes that some victims experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Those feelings can sometimes be triggered years later by remembering what happened or unexpectedly encountering the person who bullied them.
That feels especially relevant here. Her former bully was suddenly becoming connected to her future family, while the father who had dismissed the behavior at the time was now asking her to dismiss it too.
So what can help when old bullying still affects someone? The Conversation points to talking therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy, particularly when someone is dealing with anxiety or low self-esteem. It also says one important step is letting go of self-blame, since victims can wrongly come to believe they somehow caused what happened to them.
Some people choose to confront a former bully or seek an apology, although that does not automatically bring closure. In this case, the woman did receive an apology from Sadie, but she felt it was forced and decided she did not want further contact.
She ultimately set a very clear boundary. She would not attend the wedding or take part in events involving Sadie, and she told the family she was done debating it. Do you think she was right to stand her ground, or should she have gone for her boyfriend’s sake? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
In the comments, the woman shared more details about what happened
Many readers said she had every right to skip the celebration if being there would make her uncomfortable
Others, however, thought she should try to be the bigger person
The woman later returned with an update after speaking to her MIL and her fiancé
She also responded to some of the reactions under her post
Readers were glad to see that she stood her ground
