I don’t know if this counts as shocking but is was funny.. I got called for jury duty and as I walked to the. Jury Box I said hi Ben to the prosecuting attorney, the judge asked how I knew him, and I said I babysit his son. The judge immediately said I was dismissed . It was hilarious. Gotta love living in a small town .

Voir dire.

There was police testimony planned, so the judge asked each prospective juror about past encounters with law enforcement, including if they had been arrested, for what, and the disposition.

After one woman said yes, the judge asked “for?”

“[Ending someone].”

After a brief pause, “and the disposition?”

“They let me go because it was self defense.”

The judge started to move to the next prospective juror, when the woman interrupted “well, don’t you want to hear about the other times?”

My dad took my mom to court 17 times to reduce his child support payments. You would think that after the 3rd time he went to court and the judge upped the child support payments that he would stop. But not my dad. Child support payments were upped each time my dad tried to get it reduced. And then he wanted my mom to pay for his lawyers fees. I was 1yo when he left and 16yo when he finally stopped taking my mom to court.

My divorce. A big screen tv was wheeled in, and there I am in my back yard adjusting my bikini top, sunbathing. My jerk ex had hired a PI to sneak around and film me. To prove I didn't need alimony.

Not me, but my son’s dad. Tried to contest his arrears by calling a hearing. The judge reads our original order and says do you understand? He says yes. The judge reads the receipts and says do you understand? He says yes. The judge says so you called this hearing to embarrass yourself in my chambers and admit you’re incompetent and don’t take care of your child on the record? Silence.

Passed out in court once. The judge was finalizing my divorce. He asked my ex if she was pregnant, to which she answered, "Yes." Next thing I know, my chin hurt like a bastard and the bailiff was easing me into my chair. In West Virginia (and probably a lot of other states), if the woman is pregnant, a divorce can't be granted until paternity is established. But no test was needed. After they got me calmed down, the ex said, "I'm not pregnant. I thought you said 'Are you present?'"

I was in 11th grade when I first tried out for my school's rugby team. There was this other guy who as in my year who had been playing rugby all through high school, and as a result thought he was [great] at rugby despite the fact that he had only ever been on the JV team.

During our first try-out scrimmage, he kept shooting his mouth off to all the first-timers (of which there were quite a few) that he was going to tackle and completely destroy all of us. I'm a reasonably big guy (1.85m, 95kg at the time), but he definitely had a size advantage over me, so in truth it was actually quite intimidating.

The first time I received the ball, he came flying at me, clearly intent on carrying through on his promise to destroy. Despite playing rugby for a couple years before, he came at me in a bizarre tackle that involved him standing almost completely upright (rather than staying low and stable), and I managed to palm him directly in the nose.

Already unstable, he flipped onto his back by the force of my palm giving me the opportunity to slowly jog pass him. I made it onto varsity that year on my first try while he got stuck on JV again that year.

He eventually left for another school. In my senior year, we went over to said school to play against them. I saw that same guy again. I didn't see him play once, only hand out bottles of water to those people on his team who did play.

There's a kid I knew from grade school. Total nerd, and really absorbed with trying to look cool at every waking moment. We were in high school in the time, and it was common for him to do push-ups in the hallway between classes, even though he was NOT muscular, but he did them anyway when people were around. On this day, he was trying to do "clap" push-ups, where you throw yourself up high enough to clap in front of your chest before landing on your hands again. Well, I had the fine idea of daring him to see if he could clap behind his back and still do the push-up.

He tried. He didn't catch himself and landed on his face, resulting in a bloody face, broken nose, and loss of dignity.

It was awesome.

*TL;DR* Kid tried to be tough by doing push-ups between classes, I dared him to do them behind his back, he failed and broke his nose and dignity.

Yes, he broke his dignity.

I was talking to this girl and some dude came up and hit me in the back of of my head and I turned around in rage and this dude who hit me started running. I chased after him and he ran down some stairs. When I was running down these stairs I tripped on my pants and fell down about 20 ft of stairs. I cut my head open pretty bad and broke my left arm. So basically me trying to not look [weak] made me end up in quite a bit of pain.

My friend, and off duty cop (age: 22) was putting gas in his car when he saw a pretty girl in a 2010 Honda Accord pull up to fill up her tank. She seemed like the snobby bougie type, who thought the world revolved around her and that she thought she was "hot". She started putting diesel in her car as my friend told her that she was putting the wrong type of gas in her car, but she thought he was hitting on her so she said "get a life" and proceeded to continue with her business. My friend says "sorry miss, I'll go inside and add $10 to your pump for bothering you." or something along those lines...He added the $10 to her pump and while waiting for his tank to fill up, he watched as the girl tried to start her car.

EDIT: She had to get her car towed. Sorry forgot to add that.

I was with some friends coming out this girl's apartment late one night. Steve (let us call him, eh?) had been trying real hard all night to impress this gal that was hanging out with us.

On the way down the outside set of stairs, Steve decides he's going to kung-fu it off the second story ledge and meet us at the bottom. He hurls himself towards the cast iron railing, plants his feet and leaps over the hurdle akin to a dolphin leaping out of the water. He extends his left arm, grabs the edge of the brick flower box--in what I can only assume was an attempt to suavely flip himself over so that he could land on the sidewalk feet first, successively making the ninja-fied move and, presumably, impressing the girl so much that she would have no choice but to sleep with him later that night.

I say "assume" because none of that actually happened. His arm, whether from misjudging the angle or woefully unprepared to support his weight at all, crumbled underneath him. Steve's shoulder took the brunt of the impact followed closely by his face. Instead of a victorious "ta-da!" we got a "humphhh-mmmm" and a rather resounding thud as Steve's body hit sidewalk below, again, followed closely by his face.

Steve tried to ride it out; Gods bless him his desire to get it on with this girl was so strong that he spent the rest of the night trying to tough out the pain. He even tried driving at one point, leaned over heavily to his left, not, I think, to look cool, but more to ease the pressure off his left side, which, again, took most of the fall, followed closely by his face. Have I mentioned that before?

After we dropped off the object of Steve's affection, Steve begged us to take him to the emergency room. Steve's tally: two missing teeth (where they went, I'll never know) one fractured forearm, a dislocated shoulder and one "mighty" concussion, as the doctor on call in the ER told us.

At first I kind of felt sorry for him, being that wrapped up in this girl that he would suffer such--what had to be unbearable pain--just on the chance that it might go somewhere.

Then I remembered, Steve was kind of a jerk and all felt right with the universe, at least, at that time.

**tl;dr** jerk guy in a move to impress chick he wants to bone, leaps off stairwell landing to perform super-uber ninja type descent to impress girl. Broken bones and dislocated shoulder ensues. Felt sorry, remembered he [was a jerk] and felt alright.

Some kid was leaning to my friend's Porsche and talking to some girl. My friend said something like "Hey nice car, how much did it cost" and the kid said "As much as you make in a year" ... That's when my friend took the key and opened the doors. The girl laughed pretty hard and the kid just left.

I was working at a summer camp, and the lifeguard there thought he was God's gift to women. We were cleaning up the lake shore one night, which involved putting all the boats up on land etc. One of the younger girls was trying to delicately get the water out of one of the kayaks. The lifeguard went over and said, "not like that, like this" and he lifted the kayak over his head to drain the water.

The reason she was being careful with it is because it was full of urine. A kid urinated in the kayak and now that urine was all over the lifeguard. He screamed. We laughed... a lot.

One of my better camp memories.

My relatives often tell me I look like I'm 12. I don't really know how to respond to that besides not saying anything.

underwater-sunlight:
Stop checking out a 12y

EpiZirco:
Twelve out of ten ain’t bad.

anonymous:
Thanks, I bathe in the blood of my victims. 

I am the only one in my department without any tattoos and customers (that I don't want to lose) ask me why. I admit that I do stand out because of it. What would be a funny comeback to that question that wouldn't offend customers and maybe make them laugh?

Note: I have nothing against tattoos, I just have never wanted any.

MAValphaWasTaken:
What, and make it easier for police to identify me?

IllPen8707:
"I do, but you'll never see them"

Lazer723:
"I stopped drawing on myself when I was 5"