Marriage often comes with plenty of surprises, but few people expect one of them to be a divorce notice they never saw coming. While some couples slowly recognize that their relationship is in trouble, others only connect the dots after everything has already fallen apart. And hindsight, as they say, is annoyingly good at pointing out what you missed the first time around.
That question recently got men on Reddit reflecting on marriages they once thought were going to last, asking those who felt blindsided by divorce what they would tell their younger, married selves. Their answers offer a mix of regrets, hard-earned lessons, overlooked warning signs, and reminders about the things that can quietly shape a relationship long before it reaches its breaking point.
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#1
Listen to your wife. If she is nagging you about something then it's a problem and you need to man-up and resolve it. Probably the main thing to remember she is not your mother and you're not her 'little soldier'.
Unfortunately men tend to only try and fix things at the separation/divorce stage, by then it's too late. She will have been dropping hints for ages. Next time you have an argument try and think what it's about and why she is so [angry] off **at you**. You might be tired after a day at work, but you forget that she has done the school run, gone to work, done the school run again, made dinner for the family, but you can't be bothered to do the dishes because you're tired.
Finally there's a feminist saying "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle", I've seen couples split-up and unless the woman is cheating it'll take her a lot longer to try and get back into a relationship than it will the man.
Edit: typos.
Unfortunately men tend to only try and fix things at the separation/divorce stage, by then it's too late. She will have been dropping hints for ages. Next time you have an argument try and think what it's about and why she is so [angry] off **at you**. You might be tired after a day at work, but you forget that she has done the school run, gone to work, done the school run again, made dinner for the family, but you can't be bothered to do the dishes because you're tired.
Finally there's a feminist saying "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle", I've seen couples split-up and unless the woman is cheating it'll take her a lot longer to try and get back into a relationship than it will the man.
Edit: typos.
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#2
Advice to all men.
If your wife is no longer talking, no longer fighting…your marriage may be coming to an end.
So many of my friends who ended up divorcing their husbands didn’t fight with them any more because they didn’t care enough to argue.
If your wife is no longer talking, no longer fighting…your marriage may be coming to an end.
So many of my friends who ended up divorcing their husbands didn’t fight with them any more because they didn’t care enough to argue.
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#3
Marriage is a 100% effort, Not 50 from husband and 50 from Wife, But 100% from Husband and 100% from Wife too!
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A marriage can begin to feel fragile long before either partner uses the word "divorce". Scary Mommy explains that what looks like a sudden decision to one spouse may actually be the end result of a long period of private emotional processing by the other.
One partner may still believe the relationship is troubled but fixable, while the other has already become emotionally detached and reached a decision. The difference is not necessarily that one person cared and the other did not. Rather, they may have been experiencing and interpreting the state of their marriage very differently for a long time.
#4
What I am seeing said over and over here is the imbalance of work around the home. Women in general tend to do the lions share of that work. Part of it is cultural and we are part of the problem. Little girls are raised with toy kitchens, houses, dolls, cleaners, etc. You name it that is what you find in the 'PINK' section of toy stores. Little boys are raised with everything except that. When my husband and I were having this problem and I had 2 children under 5 I asked that we try to divide up the chores. I even went so far as to say you write up the two lists and choose which one you want to do. He refused. At that point I was doing the taxes, paying the bills, doing all the yard work, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. He would share in caring for our children and clean up after dinner. It dawned on me that I wanted him to do things he hadn't done before, didn't know how to do, and just didn't care about. So I just stopped doing the things he could do and did care about. He really liked to eat and was highly responsible on financial issues. I stopped shopping, paying bills, doing taxes, etc.. I loved gardening so I kept doing that and at the time I enjoyed cooking and cleaning. We found our niches and we functioned much better as a couple. We have been together almost 50 years. I am not saying this would work for everyone but I do say that we MUST stop raising our children this way. We are in the 21st Century and our children stores are still divided into PINK and not pink. Pay attention people. Is this what you want your society to be?
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#5
Never stop dating the person you marry. Wake up everyday and remind yourself how lucky you are to have someone amazing that for some reason still loves your d*****s. It doesn't matter if you are successful in your career and good at almost everything, you are most definitely an a*s hat in a thousand ways.
Appreciate the balance that your other half brings to the table.
The more years that go on, the more they will irritate you. History proves this time and time again, so get ready. But you can't beat time, and every significant other will irritate you 100%. So relax, let the little things go, you don't have to be right 100% of the time, meet in the middle, and enjoy the ride. Always remember why you fell in love and keep that alive. THAT my friends is your greatest show of success in life
Peace and love to all who read this.
Appreciate the balance that your other half brings to the table.
The more years that go on, the more they will irritate you. History proves this time and time again, so get ready. But you can't beat time, and every significant other will irritate you 100%. So relax, let the little things go, you don't have to be right 100% of the time, meet in the middle, and enjoy the ride. Always remember why you fell in love and keep that alive. THAT my friends is your greatest show of success in life
Peace and love to all who read this.
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#6
Divorce is OK. Life is too short to accept being unhappy. It’s easy to fall into a routine that doesn’t fulfill one but not worth it. Divorce may take courage but is needed to be happy in certain case.
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That disconnect can become especially difficult when smaller relationship problems are repeatedly brushed aside. Frustrations, disappointments and unmet needs can accumulate until a relatively ordinary disagreement brings much larger feelings to the surface.
A forgotten chore, an unanswered message or another minor annoyance may therefore become the latest expression of a problem that has been building for months. When the same issues keep returning without meaningful resolution, couples can also become accustomed to unhealthy patterns, making dissatisfaction increasingly difficult to recognize as something that needs to be addressed.
#8
Leave the first time she cheated.
Don't give so much of myself to another individual
Recognize alcoholism earlier.
Don't give so much of myself to another individual
Recognize alcoholism earlier.
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#9
My brother went through a divorce a few years ago. He said something that stuck with me: “I thought all couples went through this pain and suffering. That’s what everyone says you have to work through…”
No. You shouldn’t suffer in your marriage.
No. You shouldn’t suffer in your marriage.
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The way couples handle those disagreements can matter as much as the disagreements themselves. Relationship Room highlights four destructive communication patterns known as the "Four Horsemen" including criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Instead of focusing on a particular behavior, criticism can turn a complaint into an attack on someone's character, while contempt introduces mockery or a sense of superiority.
Defensiveness shifts attention away from responsibility, and stonewalling involves shutting down or withdrawing from the conversation. The Gottman Institute similarly describes stonewalling as a form of withdrawal that can occur when someone becomes emotionally overwhelmed, potentially making productive discussion even harder.
#10
Do more chores
I did some but not as much as her and I regret it looking back (it prolly wouldn't have said my marriage tho)
Also invest more on your own goals .
I did some but not as much as her and I regret it looking back (it prolly wouldn't have said my marriage tho)
Also invest more on your own goals .
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#11
We briefly separated before rejoining and continuing our marriage, 2 years since then.
1. Both people have to try. That means you. And that also means them.
2. This might sound obvious, but when things are a recurring fight / grievance / complaint.. fix them. Change the relevant behaviors.
3. People overestimate their own effort by about 25-50%. So if you *feel* like you're doing 1/2 the work, you're probably doing around 33%. You should *feel* like you're doing around 66% of the work for things to actually be fair, and there should occasionally be days when you feel you're doing 90%.
4. Physical closeness matters. Words of affrimation matter.
5. Be someone that is pleasant to be around.
6. Figure out your own b******t. Whatever childhood trauma or insecurity or a*******n or other b******t you bring to the relationship, figure it out and then address it. You're not perfect and you 1000000% are bringing some sorta b******t, your duty is to 1) try to fix it, and if you can't 2) try to create behaviors such that it isn't your partners problem, and if you can't 3) inform your partner about the b******t and accept their response.
7. Most of your problems are probably "you" problems, as in, your spouse is probably not weighing you down. Out of shape? Not enough social life? Debt? Whatever it is, you can probably fix these issues with just as much effort as though you were single.
1. Both people have to try. That means you. And that also means them.
2. This might sound obvious, but when things are a recurring fight / grievance / complaint.. fix them. Change the relevant behaviors.
3. People overestimate their own effort by about 25-50%. So if you *feel* like you're doing 1/2 the work, you're probably doing around 33%. You should *feel* like you're doing around 66% of the work for things to actually be fair, and there should occasionally be days when you feel you're doing 90%.
4. Physical closeness matters. Words of affrimation matter.
5. Be someone that is pleasant to be around.
6. Figure out your own b******t. Whatever childhood trauma or insecurity or a*******n or other b******t you bring to the relationship, figure it out and then address it. You're not perfect and you 1000000% are bringing some sorta b******t, your duty is to 1) try to fix it, and if you can't 2) try to create behaviors such that it isn't your partners problem, and if you can't 3) inform your partner about the b******t and accept their response.
7. Most of your problems are probably "you" problems, as in, your spouse is probably not weighing you down. Out of shape? Not enough social life? Debt? Whatever it is, you can probably fix these issues with just as much effort as though you were single.
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#12
Pay attention to the quiet distance not just the loud fights. She did not leave the day she packed her bags she left months ago when she stopped arguing and simply became indifferent.
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Over time, these patterns can make communication itself feel unsafe or pointless. A partner may raise the same concern repeatedly, receive little meaningful change and eventually stop bringing it up. The other spouse may interpret the absence of arguments as an improvement, when it could instead reflect emotional withdrawal.
Scary Mommy's reporting on the so-called walkaway spouse phenomenon describes a similar progression, noting that a partner may initially raise concerns gently, become more direct when nothing changes and eventually stop raising them altogether. By the time the relationship appears to end suddenly, considerable emotional processing may have already taken place privately.
#13
1) Don't get married young. No need. Just wait.
2) Don't have kids if you don't want to.
3) Those "gut feelings" that you have are not just "cold feet"
4) Wait allllll youuuuu wannntttt. If it was meant to be it will wait.
Edit: .
2) Don't have kids if you don't want to.
3) Those "gut feelings" that you have are not just "cold feet"
4) Wait allllll youuuuu wannntttt. If it was meant to be it will wait.
Edit: .
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#14
It'll pass. Don't use it as an excuse to have a midlife crisis. Stabilize your life, get comfortable being divorced, and THEN start considering whether or not you want to start dating.
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#15
I don’t know how short I’m going to be able to keep this, but I’ll try. I’m in the early stages of divorce right now. She communicated she wanted divorce on 5/22/26 and tried to go through a mediator to get it finished about the time our kids got back into school, but I am still trying to fight for our marriage even though I know that the odds are very much against me. I thought I was listening to her and trying my best to understand her perspective, but the speed at which she was rushing through the process was terrifying and I needed time to process everything. Took her all of 3 days to drop money on a lawyer and start the divorce papers…
Shockingly, our communication has been pretty good. She finally acknowledged how hard this must be for me. Before she was just so angry that I couldn’t see it coming that I think she felt I “deserved” the be as hurt as I was. And since we have been talking as often and as well as we have, I was FINALLY able to determine why there was such a huge gap in how large we viewed our marriage problems. First, we both probably contributed 50% of the issues. I am a stay at home dad and struggle with insecurities that can cause me to pull away from people. I allowed my insecurities to get out of hand and became so overwhelmed by my lack of self worth that it caused me to neglect my wife’s needs. She had some major childhood trauma from s****l a***e and when I started neglecting her and making her feel abandoned, she started hiding away her more inner thoughts and feelings from me. The combination of those two things allowed our connection problems to fester for years. She would reach out for emotional connection every 2-3 months and I would put in a little effort until things “smoothed over” and then go right back to my bad habits. I saw her opinion of me drop and I wallowed in self pity. Then she would reach out for physical intimacy and I would reject her because I felt like I didn’t deserve it and it didn’t feel natural. It felt forced. Like it was just something a married couple was suppose to do, not something we naturally desired with each other.
That should have been enough to wake me up, but I continued to downplay it, think of our issues as normal marital bumps along the road. I wish she had just slapped me honestly. I wish I had heard the words “I can’t keep going on like this!” or “We seriously need marriage counseling/therapy”, but it never got brought up. And from what I’m seeing on here, apparently direct confrontation from women appears to be pretty rare, so I guess it shouldn’t have come as a shock to me like it did.
BUT the main reason she feels like she has to seek divorce isn’t even the issues themselves, but what her brain and body have been doing to her through the years of neglect. Aside from the anxiety, feelings of abandonment, fight or flight responses, she has also been experiencing a slew of physical responses such as random bruising over her body, weight gain, and nearly an auto immune disease. Hence the reason why she feels she has to escape the marriage as fast as possible and why our perspectives on our situation are so different. She is seeing her therapist, but rarely in person, so I’ve been trying to encourage her to do that, but mainly, I am trying to work on myself and discover why I acted the way I did and how I can change my life going forward.
So now to finally answer the question, I am doing weekly counseling, lots of videos and books on becoming a better communicator and getting more natural at connecting with people, journaling, weekly walks and talks with friends, etc. I never really worked on myself at all during our marriage and didn’t have any relationship goals in mind. I was just “doing life” aimlessly. That was a big problem as well as putting way too much weight on my wife (she did this to me too) where she was more or less responsible for my self worth. It makes hard conversations almost impossible to have because emotions just fly in them.
Anyway, the strangest thing is happening and I don’t know where we will wind up, but we are sort of “resetting” our relationship. She made the comment to me months ago that she desired to “remain friends” after the divorce. I’ve never witnessed that before and was emotionally all over the place at the time, so I laughed it off and thought “how naive of her”, but since her anger against me has lessened and some empathy has returned, there has been actual effort put forth in getting together to go for ice cream or out to lunch as a family where we can just talk and share our hearts again. So, inspired by her efforts, I suggested that we work together and discuss what being friends would actually look like. So just today, we got together and went over things like how often we desire to get together, how we can support one another, what boundaries need to be in place, etc. My hope obviously is that we will be able to get back together, but I know she needs time and healing. I want to show her that real change in me is possible, so I will continue to work on myself and grow in ways I should have been doing during our marriage.
If I could have, I would have told my younger self that you can’t stop pursuing your wife. Just because you are married, you can’t naively assume that she’s going to be with you ‘til d***h do you part’ without putting in the work to maintain or grow the marriage. Also, the stupid 23 year old me thought that after my wife went to therapy for her childhood trauma, it was “taken care of”. I’d love to have gotten myself educated on how those childhood issues can resurface in marriage and also learn how to support her and what pitfalls to avoid as well.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading my story! I hope it can help someone!
Shockingly, our communication has been pretty good. She finally acknowledged how hard this must be for me. Before she was just so angry that I couldn’t see it coming that I think she felt I “deserved” the be as hurt as I was. And since we have been talking as often and as well as we have, I was FINALLY able to determine why there was such a huge gap in how large we viewed our marriage problems. First, we both probably contributed 50% of the issues. I am a stay at home dad and struggle with insecurities that can cause me to pull away from people. I allowed my insecurities to get out of hand and became so overwhelmed by my lack of self worth that it caused me to neglect my wife’s needs. She had some major childhood trauma from s****l a***e and when I started neglecting her and making her feel abandoned, she started hiding away her more inner thoughts and feelings from me. The combination of those two things allowed our connection problems to fester for years. She would reach out for emotional connection every 2-3 months and I would put in a little effort until things “smoothed over” and then go right back to my bad habits. I saw her opinion of me drop and I wallowed in self pity. Then she would reach out for physical intimacy and I would reject her because I felt like I didn’t deserve it and it didn’t feel natural. It felt forced. Like it was just something a married couple was suppose to do, not something we naturally desired with each other.
That should have been enough to wake me up, but I continued to downplay it, think of our issues as normal marital bumps along the road. I wish she had just slapped me honestly. I wish I had heard the words “I can’t keep going on like this!” or “We seriously need marriage counseling/therapy”, but it never got brought up. And from what I’m seeing on here, apparently direct confrontation from women appears to be pretty rare, so I guess it shouldn’t have come as a shock to me like it did.
BUT the main reason she feels like she has to seek divorce isn’t even the issues themselves, but what her brain and body have been doing to her through the years of neglect. Aside from the anxiety, feelings of abandonment, fight or flight responses, she has also been experiencing a slew of physical responses such as random bruising over her body, weight gain, and nearly an auto immune disease. Hence the reason why she feels she has to escape the marriage as fast as possible and why our perspectives on our situation are so different. She is seeing her therapist, but rarely in person, so I’ve been trying to encourage her to do that, but mainly, I am trying to work on myself and discover why I acted the way I did and how I can change my life going forward.
So now to finally answer the question, I am doing weekly counseling, lots of videos and books on becoming a better communicator and getting more natural at connecting with people, journaling, weekly walks and talks with friends, etc. I never really worked on myself at all during our marriage and didn’t have any relationship goals in mind. I was just “doing life” aimlessly. That was a big problem as well as putting way too much weight on my wife (she did this to me too) where she was more or less responsible for my self worth. It makes hard conversations almost impossible to have because emotions just fly in them.
Anyway, the strangest thing is happening and I don’t know where we will wind up, but we are sort of “resetting” our relationship. She made the comment to me months ago that she desired to “remain friends” after the divorce. I’ve never witnessed that before and was emotionally all over the place at the time, so I laughed it off and thought “how naive of her”, but since her anger against me has lessened and some empathy has returned, there has been actual effort put forth in getting together to go for ice cream or out to lunch as a family where we can just talk and share our hearts again. So, inspired by her efforts, I suggested that we work together and discuss what being friends would actually look like. So just today, we got together and went over things like how often we desire to get together, how we can support one another, what boundaries need to be in place, etc. My hope obviously is that we will be able to get back together, but I know she needs time and healing. I want to show her that real change in me is possible, so I will continue to work on myself and grow in ways I should have been doing during our marriage.
If I could have, I would have told my younger self that you can’t stop pursuing your wife. Just because you are married, you can’t naively assume that she’s going to be with you ‘til d***h do you part’ without putting in the work to maintain or grow the marriage. Also, the stupid 23 year old me thought that after my wife went to therapy for her childhood trauma, it was “taken care of”. I’d love to have gotten myself educated on how those childhood issues can resurface in marriage and also learn how to support her and what pitfalls to avoid as well.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading my story! I hope it can help someone!
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This also helps explain why one spouse can sincerely believe there were no obvious signs while the other feels they had been visible for years. The same evening of silence, for example, might feel like peaceful downtime to one person and emotional distance to another.
A disagreement might seem like a normal marital rough patch to one spouse but represent another reminder of an unresolved problem to the other. When partners attach different meanings to the same experiences, they can gradually develop very different understandings of how healthy their marriage actually is.
#16
Look I’ve been married 26 years. I’m still flabbergasted she likes me. If she ever decided to divorce me, I will think she finally figured out what I already knew. Till then I just continue to count myself lucky.
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#17
Years ago I got out of an LTR of 7 years. May as well have been one.
Trust how you feel. Single/relationship always comes with goods and bads that you take and leave with each. If life is better with them, you're set. If it's not, you work on it or you walk away. Don't be afraid to walk away at all.
In a good relationship, "fights" aren't fights. They're discussions. You bring them up when it makes sense and is reasonable. Not five seconds before the other person is falling asleep. Not over text in the middle of their work day. You talk through it knowing you're both solving a problem together. You're just trying to navigate each other's boundaries, express feelings, and solve issues. And it's not about blame or demanding the other person feels awful in order to understand your perspective, but respecting that you both want the same things. Keep it light, keep it straightforward, and then it's taken care of and you move on with your day. It takes maturity and compassion and openness to create the space to be open to sharing at this level. That means if you are with someone who makes you afraid to speak up (because you're wrong, somehow it's your fault, you have to apologize for feeling wronged, and you don't want to share your feelings again), you're with the wrong person.
Issues require accountability on both sides. Acknowledge the mistake, offer a way to improve, try, accept the other person will try, and you find a way to make it work. Accept no less from yourself and the other person. Some things may never get resolved and that's okay if it's not that deep. If it is, acknowledge the s**t out of it.
Ultimately, I think the thing I would say is if you can't be a good version of yourself with this person, they're not a good match and it's okay to walk away. If they are, do your best to recognize it's okay to deserve being with a good person.
Trust how you feel. Single/relationship always comes with goods and bads that you take and leave with each. If life is better with them, you're set. If it's not, you work on it or you walk away. Don't be afraid to walk away at all.
In a good relationship, "fights" aren't fights. They're discussions. You bring them up when it makes sense and is reasonable. Not five seconds before the other person is falling asleep. Not over text in the middle of their work day. You talk through it knowing you're both solving a problem together. You're just trying to navigate each other's boundaries, express feelings, and solve issues. And it's not about blame or demanding the other person feels awful in order to understand your perspective, but respecting that you both want the same things. Keep it light, keep it straightforward, and then it's taken care of and you move on with your day. It takes maturity and compassion and openness to create the space to be open to sharing at this level. That means if you are with someone who makes you afraid to speak up (because you're wrong, somehow it's your fault, you have to apologize for feeling wronged, and you don't want to share your feelings again), you're with the wrong person.
Issues require accountability on both sides. Acknowledge the mistake, offer a way to improve, try, accept the other person will try, and you find a way to make it work. Accept no less from yourself and the other person. Some things may never get resolved and that's okay if it's not that deep. If it is, acknowledge the s**t out of it.
Ultimately, I think the thing I would say is if you can't be a good version of yourself with this person, they're not a good match and it's okay to walk away. If they are, do your best to recognize it's okay to deserve being with a good person.
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#18
Blindsided 2.5 years ago. Still not healed.
What would I tell myself? Even though you both promised forever, she isn't going to stay unhappy forever. Even though you would have. Listen to her. Pay attention. She doesn't care that you are successful, that she doesn't have to work and that the kids are happy. If she's not getting what she wants, she's going to leave you. And what you think matters, doesn't necessarily matter to her.
I MIGHT also tell myself to never marry her. If I could go that far back.
What would I tell myself? Even though you both promised forever, she isn't going to stay unhappy forever. Even though you would have. Listen to her. Pay attention. She doesn't care that you are successful, that she doesn't have to work and that the kids are happy. If she's not getting what she wants, she's going to leave you. And what you think matters, doesn't necessarily matter to her.
I MIGHT also tell myself to never marry her. If I could go that far back.
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Yet looking back after a divorce can make those differences even harder to evaluate fairly. Research published in Perspectives on Psychological Science explains that hindsight bias causes people to view an event as more predictable after learning its outcome.
Once a marriage has ended, earlier arguments, periods of distance or moments of tension can suddenly appear to have been obvious signs of what was coming. They note that people tend to selectively remember information that fits what they now know while overlooking other evidence that once pointed in different directions.
#19
Never, ever, let a mother in law think they are part of your marriage. If they feel emboldened to over step and you criticize them, there will be a part of your wife who can’t cope unless she is one of the few 100% committed.
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#20
I would educate my younger, married self on what an avoidant is, what DARVO is and to be prepared to never be enough. This isn’t about blame, but more about reality. Relationships with avoidants are incredibly challenging and sometimes no matter what you do, they’re going to withdraw and convince themselves it’s not working. They’ll do this quietly and ironically, the more you try to address their needs and establish intimacy, the more they will pull away.
If I had known about this years ago, maybe there would have been a chance for us to work through it earlier, but at the very least I would not have been as caught by surprise as I was.
And for the record, my STBXW admits to being an avoidant, which is definitely progress for her, but also that it was just too late for us.
If I had known about this years ago, maybe there would have been a chance for us to work through it earlier, but at the very least I would not have been as caught by surprise as I was.
And for the record, my STBXW admits to being an avoidant, which is definitely progress for her, but also that it was just too late for us.
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