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As a sensible adult, you would want to take the high road whenever someone slights you in any way. Deriding comments are not worthy of anyone’s time.
But occasionally, delivering the perfect comeback is necessary to either stand your ground or let the other person know that they are out of line. Of course, not everyone can think quickly off the cuff, so here are some of the funniest and sickest burns, courtesy of the people on the internet.
Feel free to save this article for future reference as you read. Don’t forget to upvote your favorites!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Need A Response As To Why I Don't Have Any Tattoos
I am the only one in my department without any tattoos and customers (that I don't want to lose) ask me why. I admit that I do stand out because of it. What would be a funny comeback to that question that wouldn't offend customers and maybe make them laugh?
Note: I have nothing against tattoos, I just have never wanted any.
MAValphaWasTaken:
What, and make it easier for police to identify me?
IllPen8707:
"I do, but you'll never see them"
Lazer723:
"I stopped drawing on myself when I was 5"
RELATED:
#2
Give Me Good Comebacks To My Horribly Misogynistic Brother In Law
We’re in a gaming chat, my BIL, husband, some friends. He HATES women (yet is married with 3 daughters), and it’s so easy to rage bait him because of how sensitive he is. In our gaming chat he has stated how he returned the new battlefield because it makes you play as a “female” in one class. A friend sent something about the game Until Dawn (horror story game) and said “It has females, lame. Not playing it.” And on the last instance a friend send another game we should all get and he said “as long as there’s no females I won’t have to uninstall it.”
This man is offended by anything that doesn’t follow his masculine, straight white male personality. Husband says I can hit him back with whatever might grind his gears and make him need to double down on his manliness, so, give me your best comebacks to hit him with.
Dry-Discount-9426:
I don't know, going out of your way to make sure you have no woman in your life doesn't sound very straight male to me.
Major_Bahoobage:
If you prefer men, just say so bro, we'll welcome you out of the closet when you're ready
BarBeeGirl 2 hours ago
I’d invite his daughters to come live with me where they will treated with respect
#3
Comeback To "You Look Like You're 12"?
My relatives often tell me I look like I'm 12. I don't really know how to respond to that besides not saying anything.
underwater-sunlight:
Stop checking out a 12y
EpiZirco:
Twelve out of ten ain’t bad.
anonymous:
Thanks, I bathe in the blood of my victims.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 19 hours ago
When people find out my age (44) I'm often told I look way younger. I tell them my secret is staying in my room all the time and reading books and playing video games XD
For many people, a verbal insult can be so damaging that they either fold or remain silent. According to Brooklyn-based psychologist Kerry McBroome, it is a normal response because our nervous system gets activated.
“The parts of the brain that are responsible for coming up with clever or witty things to say are just not online—they’re nervous and sensing a threat,” she told Time Magazine in a 2024 interview.
#4
Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married/Have Kids?"
I meet a lot of people through my jobs. I do in-home services.
At least once or twice a week, a person may ask me if I'm married and/or have kids and I don't lie so I say no. Mostly, I get "well why not?" Or "you have to soon before it's too late!" It's typically elderly people or religious younger people. These folks don't need my real story of why I'm not married or have kids. I have often said "Those both require a willing person that would marry me and want kids with me which I do not have" but I think that shuts people up in the wrong way (they feel sorry for me). They don't deserve or care about my life story.
What is a good come back to that that won't get me fired or something clever to someone who asks this in a non-work setting? It's not too serious but I want to make people laugh at least instead of feeling sorry.
Edit: I'm a 25-year-old man for context.
xPadawanRyan:
My bloodline ends with me.
qlionp:
An alternate take: The curse ends with me.
brideofgibbs:
Just lucky, I guess was what I always used.
Kathy Brooke 17 hours ago
Marriage is a partnership of equals, and I've yet to meet the man (or woman) who is my equal.
#5
What's A Good Comeback For "You Sound Like A Man?"
I'm a woman with a pretty deep voice and I get this often.
RainbowPiggyPop:
I’d rather sound like a man than sound like an idiot.
flower_catt:
I used to get this a lot when I was younger. My comeback was always "that's a weird way to say you've never talked to a woman before."
#6
Comebacks For "Oh, You Have An Android Phone? LOL"
I'm a simple kind of guy and don't care for the fanciest phone, but it seems like iPhone snobs like to remind me they have a "better phone" and I'm really not sure what makes me such a peasant.
anonymous:
"Yeah I'm testing the features you'll get in three years"
TowelFine6933:
Yeah, I didn't feel like paying $1000 for something that's gonna be obsolete in 9 months.
But insults don’t always come off that way. As developmental clinical psychologist and University of Massachusetts Amherst Professor Emerita, Susan Krauss Whitbourne points out, people can sometimes disguise their digs, which can leave you baffled for a good while.
#7
Best Comeback For "Did You Take Your Meds Today?"
Because folks with mental health conditions are allowed to have bad days, too (hot take) And this question makes me feel like we're not allowed to be human, and attributes the [bad] things that happen to us as "our fault."
mayeam912:
Well, I took somebody’s.
BuffaloChedarBiscuit:
"I am not selling my medication" very loudly. And when you are asked about it say why else would he be asking?
anonymous:
My meds help with OCD (or whatever you have), not with dealing with idiots (then look them up and down)
#8
What Is A Good Comeback When Someone Thinks You're Faking A Disability?
My friend has an invisible disability, some days are "good" and some days are so painful they need to use a cane or wheelchair to walk. People think the friend is being lazy or faking it because they are in their 20s, even though they have had 5 doctors confirm. What is a good comeback when people make comments that the friend is faking it?
MrPuzzleMan:
Unfortunately, my disability doesn't care if you believe it's real or not for it to hurt. I'm still useful despite that, unlike you and this conversation.
No-Gene-4508:
As someone who has ADHD, Autism, and constant pain from my scoliosis. "Well you can't see stupid. But we all know you have it."
wuzziever:
I (57m) had a man (mid 30's) say, "You don't LOOK disabled!" when I was standing next to my car in a handicap parking space. I replied,
"Hey! Thanks, but I'm in a relationship".
Don't know if that will help your friend, but the guy's wife/girlfriend thought it was hilarious
Nikki Sevven 4 hours ago
A man once said to me, "You don't look disabled." I replied, "Appearances can be deceptive. For example, you don't look like an idiot."
#9
Here’s a comeback for "there’s no I in team.”
Geno_Warlord:
There’s also a M and an E doing half the work you lazy [jerks].
David Jeffery 18 hours ago
As Taylor Swift says, there may be no I in team but you can't spell Awesome without Me
"The insult wrapped within a compliment, for example, places you in the position of wondering whether to respond to the implicit derogation or the explicit expression of praise,” Whitebourne wrote.
In such instances, Whitebourne advises asking for an explanation to let the person know that you’ve noticed an implicit insult and do not appreciate it.
#10
Comebacks For "You Don't Drink?!"
BogusIsMyName:
Oh no im not waking up next to your mom again.
FormerlyImportant:
No, not since… “the incident”.
NatoliiSB:
"No, I can't afford the bail money."
#11
I'm A Guy With Long Hair And People Joke About 'Looking Like A Girl'
What is the best comeback for 'you look like a girl'?
Silent_Cash_E:
Please stop hitting on me
anonymous:
To a guy: I still won't date you.
To a woman: and I'm hotter than you.
#12
What's A Good Comeback For "Why Are You Always So Quiet?"
I'm autistic and often go non verbal, and I'm tired of explaining it every time to the same group of people.
New-Economist4301:
If it’s meant as an insult “why aren’t you more interesting” 😂 I used it once and LORD you’d think I’d set off an explosive 🤣 they never pointed it out again
metal_bastard:
"Because you never shut up"
How about "I'm a better listener. And I don't feel the need to speak if I have nothing to say"
anonymous:
You talk enough for the both of us.
Brain-In-A-Vat 6 hours ago
"Better to keep quiet , and be thought a fool , than to open your mouth , and remove all doubt ."
So, what is the best way to deliver an off-the-cuff clapback? Licensed clinical professional counselor Dr. Ajita Robinson shared a few straightforward tips. One of them is to simply tell the person that you’re not accepting unsolicited feedback.
As she noted, these work well in situations like family dinners, where a relative may make comments about your pants size, reproductive choices, or dating situation.
#13
Comeback For "Why Are You Wearing Pink?" As A Guy?
JustSomeDudeFrom92:
Because I can
SupportPrimary540:
Because I’m a secure man
WhataKrok:
I didn't realize there was a uniform.
#14
What's A Good Comeback To: Why Don't You Have A Girlfriend Yet?
I get asked this more often then you'd think and it's really starting to annoy me, what is a good comeback?
010061:
It wouldn't really be fair to my wife
tardiscoder:
Your mom and I are doing just fine.
Jumpy-Style6348:
They're too expensive
#15
What’s A Good Comeback For “Why Are You So Quiet?”
BrilliantRain5670:
Makes you wonder doesn't it?
jcoddinc:
They refuse to pay me by the word.
Another way to respond would be a simple “Are you okay?” As licensed therapist Melanie Williams states, there is so much packed in such a short comeback. You can also follow that up with, “Just checking, because that was completely inappropriate.”
#16
What Do You Bring To The Table?
I find this question so offensive. Like if you don’t know I’ll see myself out lol. But give me some good comebacks pls.
ETA: To answer a couple questions I see asked repeatedly, 1. This is in the context of dating 2. I’m a woman and I date men so that’s my perspective, but I don’t co-sign women asking men this question either. 3. To everyone commenting “why not just say what you bring to the table? I guess you don’t have anything to bring to the table then” this is my response to that copy and pasted: If I turned it around on the other person and said “what do you bring to the table?” there’s nothing they could say that I can’t already provide for myself. I have money, a house, family, friends, I enjoy travel by myself, and if I want intimacy I can have a fwb easily. To me a relationship is not about what we provide for each other, it’s about whether our personalities make me want to spend time together and whether there’s romantic chemistry, which I’m not going to know from a speech, I’m going to find out over time by getting to know someone.
To me this question when asked is trying to circumvent the work of getting to know another human being, which is gross and reductive.
Thank you everyone who gave a snappy witty comeback as that’s what I was hoping for! I enjoyed reading them all
Ok-Shopping9879:
Why do you care, you aren’t even sitting at it.
Send_me_duck-pics:
The impressive ability to tolerate you.
#17
Was This A Good Comeback To A Girl Asking If I Was Gay?
I was at a fast food place with a bunch of friends after we went to a college football game, and one of my friends saw a girl there from the gym he goes to that he wanted to ask out. One of the girls at our table (who I used to have a crush on but ended up leaving it be to her being very toxic) asked all of us, "Don't you think she's attractive?" I responded no because she just wasn't my type and she responded, "What are you, gay or something?" Without missing a beat, I went, "Well she's at least prettier than you". It shut her up real quick but made everyone at the table kind of uneasy. Did I cook or was this a bad comeback?
Emera1dthumb:
If it gets you to stop talking to me.
BentGadget:
"Are you gay, or something?"
"For you, I will be."
#18
A Good Comeback To " Why Do You Still Wear A Mask?"
Mine is "It hides that I'm ugly ". Some people laugh, and walk away, others just get a weird look on their face, and walk away.
But in all honesty, my wife is immunocompromised. And I wear it to protect her. And if I answer with that, most people go on the defense "Well, I'm not sick", or "That won't help ". I have even been told "Ok Brandon."
Garrisp1984:
In your best Bane voice "nobody cared who I was before I put on the mask."
anonymous:
Sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office. Wearing a mask. Older couple to my right are. Another older couple across the room are not and being snotty so I got to use my absolute favorite line! Them: why are you wearing a mask? Me: it helps me mind my business. I have an extra, want it?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 19 hours ago
"You don't want to see what's behind it!" And then click/snap your teeth together several times XD
#19
Best Comeback For "You're Not A Mother"
I was infertile. I was on fertility meds and went through the whole process for years. It just didn't happen and it took a lot for me to get over it and move past it.
My mother loves to throw it up in my face. I mean she loves it. That is how she ends conversations and arguments. She loves to throw out "Well you're not a mother, so you don't know!" Or "Well you're not a grandmother, so you don't know!"
It infuriates me. To the point of it makes me feel violent. What is a comeback that will totally shut her down. At this point I don't even care about the consequences of said comeback. I just want to shut her the hell up and make her nevet say it again.
What ya got?
Double-Kicks:
"Well, you've never been a mother to me, so what the hell do you know?!" You ain't gonna swear if you don't want to.
clarkyk85:
at least I'm not a terrible mother
#20
Best Comeback To "You're An Adult, So Why Do You Still Play Video Games?"
My best comeback would be "then I guess you're too old to watch TV/movies?"
ersey8894:
Because taking out people in real life would get me arrested!
anonymous:
Im a big kid now so i stay up past my bed time and eat ice cream whenever i wanna
#21
Best Comeback To You Have Too Many Kids
This happened to me when my youngest was a baby. She asked if they were all mine. I said yes. She said wow. You have too many children.
I asked the woman which one I should drown. She said I was rude.
JDSlim:
My father always told me "If you love doing something, and you're good at it, don't ever stop!"
Expatriated_American:
Your mom had too many kids!
mountrich:
They just keep appearing, I don't know why!
#22
Best Response To "Working Hard Or Hardly Working?"
There's "I'm hardly laughing" which is my favorite so far.
anonymous:
Strangle them and scream ARE YOU BREATHING HARD OR HARDLY BREATHING
anonymous:
"I'm acting my wage"
SM 14 hours ago
I'm not sure why someone would find this offensive, I view it like "How are you" (in the US), which for those that don't know is not a greeting to start a conversation is just being polite. The response is "I'm fine, how are you", they answer "fine" and you both go on your way. For "Working hard or hardly working", my response would be a polite chuckle, and that is it.
#23
Good Comeback For “Do You Have Hearing Problems?”
So my mom was at an exercise class last night. She does not have hearing problems, but does have auditory processing disorder - so she hears the words but it takes a bit for her brain to process them. Sometimes it takes repeating.
The coach was very rude and instead snapped “do you have hearing problems?” At her in front of the class and rolled her eyes when my mom explained. I told my mom not to go again, leave them a bad review, etc, but she wants to keep going. So what’s a witty comeback? (This has happened more than once with her issues)
Edit: thanks everyone! My mom was so grateful. So pulled her top five and is going to practice them. She also wanted to thank you all - she feels so much better hearing from everyone defending her and everything, says it was so sweet and validating
YonderIPonder:
As a guy with hearing problems.....
I pretend not to hear them at all, not even reacting. And sometimes they come around and get it. You wait until they say "oh, I didn't realize you actually can't hear."
And then you say
"I heard you the first time. I just don't respond to jerks."
jay_is_bored:
"I can hear you being a jerk loud and clear"
#24
Best Comeback To "I Don't Find You Funny"
Really annoying narcassistic people tell me this all the time literally out of nowhere i wont be talking to them and im looking for some short, easy-to-remember phrases that would absolutely destroy them. Also please keep your mom jokes outta this, they will never work.
rdixon0310:
Who are you again?
okguy25:
Don't worry not everyone gets it
anonymous:
I know, only Intelligent people find me funny.
#25
Best Comeback For "I Have A Boyfriend"
I'm not hitting on anyone, to be honest. It's usually in a normal setting when I'm asking them something completely unrelated, like if they could move or something.
Miserable-Alarm-5963:
He must be very patient
AbrasiveOrange:
"So do I"
Falstaffe:
"That's great. Could he ask you to move?"
Earonn - 9 hours ago
A friendlier version would be "I can see where you're coming from but I really just wanted to ask you to move a bit because X". Yeah, sorry we're so jumpy, but instead of asking how to get a sassy reply to women, why don't you ask what to say when you see a friend being a creep?
#26
Good Comebacks For “You’re Slow”
Generally, I’m slower at doing things than other people are, and I’ve been told I’m slow. What’s a good way to respond to this?
anonymous:
Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to make a joke.
TheVoicesOfBrian:
Your wife/girlfriend/mother/sister didn't mind me taking my time last night.
#27
Comebacks To Defend My GF Who Is On The Heavier Side?
Seeing as how this subreddit exists I'm hoping this isn't too delusional but I love my girlfriend so much and luckily from what I know about her shes pretty tough when it comes comments about her weight. Soon though, we'll be going on vacation (bathing suits)and I just want to be armed as well as possible with witty counters if she comes underfire because I'm not super confident I'll know what to say. Idc if it gets me into a fight I just need make sure she knows shes perfect to me and I won't tolerate comments made against her. Thanks!
anonymous:
Simply saying "Well, that was rude." With a solid onceover, can do wonders in a lot of situations. I use it sometimes on defense attorneys during pretrial interviews. They usually back off after that.
OP can also add, "Do you feel better?" Put the pendejo on defense and see how secure they really are. (Pro tip: bullies typically aren't.)
Gucci_Caligula:
She is literally perfect and actually pleasant to be around. Can anyone say the same for you?
_Robot_toast_:
She's worth her weight in gold.
#28
Does Anyone Have Any Comeback When Someone Calls You Skinny?
I'm in middle school and very skinny (I'm 14, m, 5'6'' and roughly 96 lb.) Its getting really irritating gettting called skinny all the time please give me some good ones.
Charming-Window3473:
Don't say anything. Take a long, hard look up and down of their whole body, look back up at their eyes with a "really?" Kinda look on your face....
See what happens.
anzfelty:
Should I comment on your body now? Said completely seriously and with solid eye contact, don't look away. "Where would you like me to start?"
#29
What’s A Smart Comeback For “Ew, You Have A Flip Phone?”
hi everyone! for 2024, i told myself that i no longer wanted to use my iphone when going out. i’m 21f, recently graduated college and plan to get a job soon. at home, i’ll use my iphone for social media, i had an ipad but recently gave it to my mom, but that’s about it. but when i go out, i only take my flip phone. i want to live more in the present, socialize more and spend time with my friends and family. but whenever i hangout with my friends, they’re like “ew, you have a flip phone? how do you even function with that?”
i try not to take it seriously, but sometimes, it really hurts. it feels like they treat me like i’m dumb or something. what’s a smart comeback that i could use on my friends? how i can i own a flip phone and feel cool with it?
AdequatePercentage:
You only have one phone?
Away-Client1654:
Yeah, and here’s another flip I have too! (extend middle finger with confidence)
Nikki Sevven 3 hours ago
I don't understand why people care about which phones other people have.
#30
What’s The Best Comeback For When You Yawn And Coworker Says “It’s To Early For That”
Everytime i yawn coming into work in the morning i always have a coworker say “oh no it’s to early for that” or “oh dont start that mess” and idk what to do but fake laugh cause i hear it everyday.
SIIHP:
“Quit boring me, I won't yawn so much”
Dumbaahedratr0n:
"It's bedtime somewhere!"
Like when someone is day drinking and they say "it's 5 o'clock somewhere!"
#31
What’s The Comeback For When A Man Tell You To Smile?
anonymous:
"What? I didn't hear you!"
"Can you say that again?"
"Ugh, I'm so sorry, what was that?"
Keep this going until they walk away.
sugarshizzl:
“Say something funny.”
Sad-Maintenance3422:
It's hard to smile with a face like that.
KGreen100:
I will... as soon as you leave.
#32
What’s A Good Comeback For “I’m Not Leaving Without Getting Your Number”
madbr3991:
Give a fake number.
My go to fake number is
202-456-1414
It's the white house switchboard.
Le-Pretre:
Thirty years ago, the best answer was, "Oh, my number is in the phone book."
"Ok, but what's your (last) name? "
"That's in the phone book, too....'
bigchrishoutx:
The number is 811. They'll help you dig a new hole for you to crawl back into.
Cecilie Hammershøy 12 hours ago
I used to say a number where you automatically donate money to a charity, if you call it.
#33
My Comeback For “Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?”
I’m a guy, with a long white Santa Claus beard. I’ve noticed lately that women like to use the line “Does the carpet match the drapes?” And out of nowhere when a woman jokingly used this on me, I had a comeback jump out.
I said, “No carpet, it’s all hard wood.” Her mouth fell open and I walked away as her friends laughed.
anonymous:
"Come and find out" the only respectable answer.
I'm 100% escalating.
Quwinsoft:
I would answer with a long and detailed comminatory of the interior decorating of the room that you are in.
#34
Gottem In 3 Words
Dumbsneighbors:
At least I can have plastic surgery to fix my ugly. Your issues are terminal. Ain’t no fixin’ you.
rjrttu86:
I can lose weight, your kind of ugly is not so easily lost.
#35
Black People Of Reddit, What’s A Good Comeback For “You Sound/Look/Act White”?
I swear I’ve been getting this all my life and still do, but not as much as before. I get the “where are you reeeally from?” question as well. We’re in the ‘20s now and why do I see people on social media who consider those who “sound white” a suburban black girl/boy especially if they never grew up in the suburbs? lol I didn’t.
It’s annoying but I’m the type to troll back. I had some okay ones in the past. What would be a really good one?
Edit: for those who tell me to not respond with such ignorance, you are so right!! In the past there were times where I wouldn’t even respond and just stare. They would get confused but I just ignore like there’s no tomorrow! It’s one of my superpowers. Luckily my light skin is thick enough to handle whatever got thrown at me. But I usually love trolling and giving them the same dish they tried to serve me, and them not wanting to take it. It’s so much fun.
biinboise:
Not black but a black relative said this when we were both at the same college together.
“Sorry man, I’m off the clock. I’m sorry to spoil the magic for you,”
It was a professor who said it to him.
GutsAndBlackStufff:
"That's mighty white of you"
#36
Good Comeback To “Are You Gay?” To A Girl You Reject?
If I’m going to reject you politely, and then you ask me “are you gay?”. you are literally asking to be insulted. But I don’t want to be a [jerk] to women. So, what can I say to make them lose they ego?
There has to be a better comeback than “No, sorry, I just prefer attractive women.”
SakuraMochis:
They want a reaction with that nudge, so the best thing to do is keep chill and not sound mad. If they can't get under your skin they lose.
'No I'm just not interested in YOU.' would probably do
psychosloth34:
No, but you're a good argument for me to consider it.
METRlOS:
"if you were my only option, I would be."
#37
The Day I Got The Best Of A Bully
I used to work with a girl named Betty, who was so hateful to everyone and who enjoyed trying to make me feel [bad] about myself.
A little background. We both worked in a stockroom and were responsible for dispensing parts to people who came to the counter. One day we happened to be in the bathroom at the same time and she mentions she fell and bruised her leg. For some reason she decided I needed to see it and she yanked her pants down to show me. I saw the bruise but I also noticed she had on large nylon underwear that looked like something from the 70’s. I just said that her leg looked like it hurt and we went about our way.
Later I was standing at the counter and I was helping a girl with the parts she needed. Betty came up behind me and started making fun of me for having “panty lines”. Weird insult, but whatever. She started laughing at me and kept saying “you have panty lines!” I just turned to look at her and said, “ Well at least I don’t wear granny panties.”
The girl I was helping smirked, and Betty became really flustered and defensive, saying “That’s why I wear them, so I don’t have panty lines!” Then she went off to another part of the stockroom and was blissfully quiet the rest of the day.
Ok_Plant9930:
Man I would’ve been like “you’d have panty lines too if you weren’t wearing a car cover for underwear.”
anonymous:
Shoulda told her, you know you really ought to take your grandma out of her panties before you put them on.
What do you think ?
Chaotic Good 7 hours ago
"Do you know who my father is?!" Can't be me, I was late to the gang bang.
Sam Trudeau 9 hours ago
One of my comeback lines I keep in my pocket. When I describe something negative/dumb in a person such as "people who are super stubborn and deny their flaws" and someone comments in a way that sums up what I describe, I go "I wasn't looking for an example, but thanks". Or when I was a teen and my younger brother was taller than me, if he brought it up, I'd say "Then you should have no trouble with {insert heavy object Mom/Dad wanted us to move here}"
Chaotic Good 7 hours ago
"Do you know who my father is?!" Can't be me, I was late to the gang bang.
Sam Trudeau 9 hours ago
One of my comeback lines I keep in my pocket. When I describe something negative/dumb in a person such as "people who are super stubborn and deny their flaws" and someone comments in a way that sums up what I describe, I go "I wasn't looking for an example, but thanks". Or when I was a teen and my younger brother was taller than me, if he brought it up, I'd say "Then you should have no trouble with {insert heavy object Mom/Dad wanted us to move here}"
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