What do you get the woman who has everything — if “everything” constitutes a collection of ghastly hats, a Grinchian disdain for Christmas and a giant golden cage from which she manages the occasional stiff smile? Well, a documentary, of course! After all, what Melania Trump really needs is busywork. It’s not as if anything in American politics is more pressing for her right now than executive-producing a film about her life in the 20 days leading up to the 2025 presidential inauguration, simply called “Melania.”
As its one-word title suggests, “Melania” is as stilted and mind-numbing as its subject, an “intimate” glimpse of one of the world’s most talked-about women that couldn’t be more distant from human emotion if its interminable 104 minutes were just a blank screen with no picture. But it wouldn’t take a geopolitical genius to figure out that would be the result. Five minutes — heck, even one minute — spent watching Melania Trump speak would tell you all you need to know about what this exclusive documentary has in store for its viewers. “Melania” will be apathetic and unconvincing; it will be swathed in garish gold and putrid peach; and it will be filled with lecherous hangers-on, willing to bark like seals on camera and sacrifice their dignity to align themselves with a neo-fascist regime.
