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EXPLAINED: 3 | Vintage Vibes

I’ve seen horrible things at football matches – but what landed on the pitch last week was the worst

When a mysterious object fell from the sky mid-game, I knew it was a portent of doom. The surprise was finding out who chucked it there, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

I boiled my wooden spoons – and what emerged from them will haunt me for ever

A sleepless night of doomscrolling led me to dunk my cherished kitchen utensils in bubbling water. The murky results were horrifying, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

What should you do if, like me, you are irredeemably naff? Embrace it

From Abba to Supertramp, my taste in music has often inspired a rising sea of scorn. But whatever. I am cool with being uncool, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

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Hold music is eating my soul. Can anyone save me from the doom loop?

The endlessly repeated tunes suggest your quest to speak to a person is utterly, horrifyingly futile, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

No one wants to hear about your dreams – unless you follow my golden rule

You’ve woken up with an amazing story to tell, but everyone’s eyes are already glazing over. Here’s the fix, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

Why do I hate umbrellas? How long have you got?

The first drop of rain and out they come, getting in your way and threatening your eyes. We need a law to control the nasty, pointy, dangerous things, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

Why I absolutely love a visit to the dump

Throwing things away is bad. Buying them in the first place was probably bad, too. But the act of disposing of them at the rubbish tip is a glorious moment of relief and release, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

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Taking pride in a life well spent as a sparkie

Letters: Readers respond to a column highlighting the often unsung job skills of plumbers, electricians, bricklayers and others

The Guardian - UK

Kids, don’t look to me for career inspiration. Look to your electrician instead

People often assume my job skills are impressive, while their own aren’t worth a mention. What they don’t realise is that I’d swap with them in an instant, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

Is there anything more British than an underwhelming boast on a sign?

In this era of relentless, irony-free, fact-free braggadocio, I can’t get enough of amusingly bashful self-promotion, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

I’ve started strutting like Liam Gallagher – and the power is great indeed

I happened to be in Cardiff during the Oasis gigs. Before I knew it, my legs developed a mind of their own, my shoulders got involved and my jaw was chewing, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

Why is so much of life spent clearing up?

Whatever I turn my hand to, I leave behind a chaotic mess. If tidiness is next to godliness, there’s no hope for me, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

Few men can really rock a moustache. Timothée Chalamet is not one of them

The actor seems to have inspired a generation of young chaps to grow wispy caterpillars on their upper lips. When it comes to facial hair, I’ve learned it’s best to go big or go home, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

Who could deny a hot, tired delivery driver the fruit from their cherry tree?

All the poor man wanted was fresh fruit from the tree in front of my flat. I would have needed a heart of stone to refuse him, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

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The Guardian - UK

Donald Trump is the lord of the edgelords

Letters: The word edgelord may have been unfamiliar to Adrian Chiles – but Anthony Lawton says we’re all victims of the online provocateurs, one of them in particular

The Guardian - UK

The latest Andrex advert is a life-changing masterpiece

In scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something new to say about toilet paper, they’ve struck gold. If I had seen this as a kid, it would saved me years of fear and shame, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

I knew everyone would hate my mustard shorts. That didn’t stop me buying them

I can’t explain what was going through my mind my when I splashed out on them. But I’ve spent three years trying to make amends, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

I’ve learned a new word – and now I’m seeing the people it describes everywhere

Do you spout controversial opinions, even if you don’t believe them, just to attract attention? There’s a name for you (and me), writes Adrian Chiles

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The Guardian - UK

My signed tie is up for auction. I don’t think even my mum would buy it

It dates back to the time when I was hot television property, but the embarrassingly low £10 starting price speaks for itself, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

Gary Lineker was once my rival. I feel no shame in saying I was beaten by the best

Through dedication and sheer graft, the football legend transformed himself from a hopeless presenter into an elite one. It’s unlikely we will ever see that happen again, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

It can be hard to end a phone call. But ‘Okaybye’ is not the way to do it

I’m not necessarily expecting a ‘love you’ from the person on the other end of the line – but don’t make me feel I’ve outstayed my welcome, writes Guardian columnist Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

I went to the pub with an old friend – and headed home at 9.30pm. Is anyone still there for last orders?

I couldn’t find a single pub that stayed open late for VE Day last week. No wonder when they’re so often empty by 11pm, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

How are you supposed to handle cold callers nowadays? You can’t even slam the phone down

I’m being plagued by a particularly pushy estate agent. I’ve tried blocking them, reasoning with them, even barking at them. And still they keep coming back for more, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

I’ll never play golf like Rory McIlroy. But maybe he can teach me how to live with my mistakes

I need to stop dwelling on everything I get wrong, from sending my ball into the drink to squeezing the wrong bottom, writes Adrian Chiles

The Guardian - UK

I loathe pigeons. You wouldn’t believe what they do to my downpipe

These noisy, filthy, feral creatures make my life a misery. Is there really no way to get rid of them, asks Adrian Chiles

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